Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*

“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.