Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
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Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves
Gets tackled by 15 rats instead
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now