Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
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asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Chemical wingman
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Most Common Source of Electricity
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time