Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.