Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.