Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
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Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
absolutely not
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.