Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
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im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
When I pack too much for a short trip.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
6. me as a lawyer
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.