Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

here we go again

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

can’t bark with your mouth full

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

I’m literally crying

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old