Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
You Might Also Like
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I try
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter