Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
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Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Something Saturday.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
#TopTip
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*