Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
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I Can’t Tonight…
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
drew a comic about my origin story
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
