Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

How my wife saves money:

Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.

Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?

*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

sry

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

This is I, Robot all over again

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.