Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course