Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

The jeans are skinny. I’m not

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

Beware…..

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

need a new bf mines broken 😐

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

I am, perchance

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever