Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
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Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me: This is nice
Mattress Salesman: Sir, I am done with this so called “test run”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Me: The kids aren’t in the car.
Wife: I said it for me.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip