@UnFitz

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

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@theroneman

Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.

@wolfpupy

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

@DrunksWithGuns

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

@FredTaming

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

@WonderMonkey78

Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.

@AbbyHasIssues

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

@daemonic3

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder