Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Tier 3 meme
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Beauty is in the Eye of the: