Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
You Might Also Like
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”