Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.