Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

LOL

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon

me: look up at the sky???