Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
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When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.