Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
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[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
This meal prepping shit easy
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.