Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

Bruh 😂

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

[at the running of the bulls]

ME: imma try to pet ’em

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”