Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA