Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.

STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

This headline is a thing of beauty

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.