Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
You Might Also Like
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
