Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
You Might Also Like
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.