Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
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[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.