Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

Oh my god

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

I just love that new Pope smell.

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances