Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
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Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Every damn time
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.