Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.

Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos

Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back

Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

Fight

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.