Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
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Just added something to my bucket list.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
New nose
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children