Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.