Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

Spell check is for lasers.

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

This story is comedy gold 😂

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat