Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

Oh my God.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”