Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m hunting wabbits…

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Unimpressed

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats

[Flirting in a bar]

ME: Did it hurt…

HER: …

ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?

PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.