Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

inside you are two wolves

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.