When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
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Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Mmmm canned fish.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.