@Tups13

Researcher: We’d like you to be part of a focus group.
Me [squinting terribly]: Who said that?

You Might Also Like

@intellegint

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

@Dutch_50

So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

@Jtweeters

If you love someone, set them free. If they return… something, something, Justin Bieber’s a lesbian.

@Manda_like_wine

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

@Lerky

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

@SufficientCharm

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

@theSolemnBard

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

@omgthatspunny

The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.