Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer