Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
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Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place