Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’

In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

2019: starts making risotto

2021: almost done but not quite

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.