reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
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If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.