reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
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T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.