Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.