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‘CargoAndBoxer’
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“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Wait for it
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
playing pool? you mean swimming?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?