Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic