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I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.