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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
#IWishIHadNever noticed
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.