Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

#Caturday

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

bat life

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.

In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space

and they’ll shift gears to go faster.

in space.

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Roses are red, you always mattered,

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”