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*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I love it
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)