Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
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Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when