Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

🚲+physics = winner

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

Spring of Deception