Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
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Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways