Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

I disagree with my politics

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

For the baby who has everything

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat