Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

Note to self: always read the final line

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

🫶

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

so i’m at the stock market right

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

[First day of zombie apocalypse]

Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.

Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-

[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.