Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

ㅤ

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

this was very charming

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.