Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.

Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

I just stopped by to water my horse.

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

Oops I deleted….

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner