respect
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Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
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Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Hero horse inspires millions
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What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.