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“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.