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Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
my first executive action as President would be no more pineapple on pizzas. a close second would be putting toddlers in jail who cry over receiving the wrong color cup they’re given.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant