Respect
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Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”