respect
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Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
