respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
don’t we all
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.