respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
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Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
the short answer to this question
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
This was a bad idea all around
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
2 years later
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke