respect
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When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Software Development ⛵️
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I am yelling
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast