Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

“This just in..”

My foot to my mouth.

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

Her: Something’s changed in here.

Me: I put a new bulb in.

Her: Well it’s not very bright

Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.