Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

How it started: How it’s going:

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.