respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
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Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.