respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
*limbos away from your hug*
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Big Sex has us all fooled