Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
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you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
hi why am I like this
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
i would wish you the best but i am the best
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
No laws when master is gone
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up