Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.