Responding as if you’ve just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you’re still in bed

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This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.


Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”


Judge “Why are you divorcing her?”

Me “She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody.”

J “You get half her stuff.”

*air guitar solo*


My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”


My kid asked me if I would get her some dominoes and I ordered her pizza. She wanted the game tiles.


warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.