@SoVeryBritish

Responding as if you’ve just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you’re still in bed

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@AngelaEhh

This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.

@LeftAtLondon

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

@YourAnMoron

Judge “Why are you divorcing her?”

Me “She changed the station during Bohemian Rhapsody.”

J “You get half her stuff.”

*air guitar solo*

@Parkerlawyer

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

@LittleMissAngr1

My kid asked me if I would get her some dominoes and I ordered her pizza. She wanted the game tiles.

@dadmann_walking

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.