Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that