Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
The pasta is now
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.