[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano