[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
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wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I don’t know if I’m just renewing my driver’s license every year or if I’m aging like a store bought banana.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”