Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”

on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.