Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH