Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
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If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.