Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

just gave your address to some spiders

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*