Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
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6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I think this cat is broken
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
The new American dream is an alien invasion.