Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
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i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
uncle dave has been through hell
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?