Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Stop sending me this shit.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
Me :
All Day At Night
