Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

This is true.

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

December birthdays be like…