Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

Asked my 9 yo how his day went and he responded with, “well, it started off just like any other Wednesday…”

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.