Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

I think we should hear other voices.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

You saw nothing. I am ham.

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

Allow me to play for you the song of my people

*Sound of chip bag opening*

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo

Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow