[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
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When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.