[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
How I like cutting carbs
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason