Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

Guantanamo Bae

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

My beach vacation Google searches

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5