responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
You Might Also Like
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.